Kind of a weird thing to admit on a public blog to an audience, huh?
One of the cool things about the internet is that it enables me to socialize on my own terms. Because most interactions aren’t real-time, I can control when I reach out to others and when I take in their stories, and that majorly increases my sociability. Trust me, you don’t want to see me in a situation when I don’t feel like being social. I wind up silent and staring.
When I’m already interacting with a person, I’m golden. I’m not hard to get along with and I can usually get a good read on a person, so I can adapt to them. That bit’s fine.
The tricksy bits come up when I am not currently interacting with someone. I don’t like phones, though I use my cell as necessary. I don’t use any messengers at home. I don’t usually have email conversations (though I enjoy them). The only person I text out of the blue is my partner. I’ll respond to all of the above if someone reaches out to me, but I simply don’t initiate them myself.
Most of this centers around two facts. Primarily, I simply don’t think of it. It literally does not occur to me to contact someone unless something needs communicated, like when and where to meet for dinner. Secondarily, on the rare occasion I am reminded of social norms, I usually assume the other person is busy or occupied, and I leave it up to them to contact me at their leisure and convenience. It’s a measure of courtesy in my eyes to let the other person make the first move. (Note that this only applies to me, and I don’t consider it courteous or discourteous from another person’s POV towards others or myself.)
I’m explaining all this to point out that, consequentially, social networking is not my thing. Following a ton of new people at once on Twitter so they’ll follow me back and I’ll rack up the numbers makes zero sense to me. It clogs up my list so that I don’t see the tweets I really want to see, so I stop using Twitter if I do that, which defeats the purpose. I don’t use Facebook because it serves no purpose for me. Livejournal has been my home for years, and I have a great little home with my people there. (There are a lot of people who are LJ-only, I’ve noticed.)
Obviously, I’m not one of the guys who can “build readership” very easily. I have always preferred one-on-one interactions; I don’t talk to groups, I talk to individuals. My people are not a herd, they are persons. So, in working with this blog and being all publicky on Twitter, I am still reaching out to one person at a time, making connections and friendships the old-fashioned way, despite the new-fashioned medium.
Ultimately, I am trying to improve my ability to be social without playing the numbers game. I even de-lurked on two of my favorite blogs yesterday and said hi on a brand new one, which was a feat of willpower, let me tell you. Now that the ice is broken, I’m finding that I feel perfectly willing to be a vocal visitor to those places, instead of the face plastered to the glass pane, wistfully staring inside at the fireplace.
I kind of want to have a fireplace here, too – a cozy place for folks to gather, warm their hands, and tell stories. I’m not entirely sure how to make this happen, but I figured telling you that the door’s open, there’s room on the couch, and tea’s in the fridge might be a good place to start.
So, pull up a chair and share a story if you want. You’re welcome here.
Oops, that was meant to be signed:
Reba X
x
Reba recently posted… Ship Asail!
Hey A.,
another moment of joyous solidarity! I love love love hearing you describe your one-at-a-time friend-making process – I have the same feeling towards the Twitters, etc, and sometimes get lost in the whole ‘be Big! BIG! BIGGER!’ messages one sometimes stumbles across in this strange land of internets.
Ahhh, permission to be me. The relief.
Also, super-chuffed that my wee bloggy blog got mentioned not only on someone else’s website (Gosh!), but also in the same sentence as links to The Fluent Self, inc., and another regular stop-by of mine, The Connection Revolution. How exciting!
More adorations,
Reba x
Reba recently posted… Ship Asail!
“Joyous solidarity” is an awesome phrase. I need to remember that one. :)
Permission to be you, indeed! Havi’s stuff has been helping me smooth the rough edges out on that concept in my head. It’s good to work on, and made a little easier when I remember the people who have most inspired me are always the ones who are brazenly truest-to-self.
I’m glad I could make you smile with the link! I look forward to seeing your next post.
(The “Reba X” made me grin.)
My father always teases me about this. I don’t call him (or anyone else, srsly) unless someone reminds me to, because it just doesn’t occur to me. Unless I have something specific I need to make a call about, I don’t make the call, and even then I have to psych myself up for it… Which leads to problems like people thinking I don’t want to talk to them or that I’m too busy to talk to them.
The simple fact is, I have a cell phone because phones are necessary, not because I am, or ever will be, someone who uses them more than absolutely necessary.
Half the reason it’s easier for me to socialize on the internet is because there’s a record of it. I can actually look in my inbox and say “Holy cow, it’s been 3 months since I talked to _____! I should send them an e-mail!”
The simple fact is, I have a cell phone because phones are necessary …
Exactly.
And the (virtual) paper record is incredibly useful. Not only for the “hey, I’m due for another hello to so-and-so,” but also the whole “oh yeah, we said this and then that.” My memory is shaky at best, so that really helps.
http://theoatmeal.com/comics/phone
YESSS. o/
Thanks for the welcome. :)
I’m pretty bad at being a social animal myself, but like you I find interacting online a lot easier than keeping up with people in other ways.
For instance, I should probably call my parents some time soon, since I haven’t talked to them in weeks. (Of course, they could call me too, but seem to have the same difficulty.)
I also have to force myself to get around to replying to comments on my blog, even though I love reading them and replying to them once I actually do it. :-p
Hi there! Thank you for stopping by. :D
Confession: If my parents weren’t so insistent on calling me regularly, I’d be that grown-up kid who only calls three times a year. Thankfully, my folks are used to my quirks and don’t mind always calling me. Mostly. ^^;
Speaking of those comments! I apparently do mine in bouts, as well. Which is what I’m doing now. *ahem* Funny, that…
*an hour later*
Thanks for sharing link to FluentSelf. Interesting, and not unlike wikipedia in that each article (orignally typoed to harticle… that’s fun) has links to a bunch of others.
I must stop now and hunt breakfast. Leaving about 5 articles unfinished, because “Oh, shiny” distractions abound.
Strange.. I always assumed that you were having loads of email conversations with other people & were too busy/interested/engaged to talk to me. Tissue paper wall someone needs to be the first to break through, I guess. Turns out it is insubstantial and doesn’t hurt, the only potentially painful thing is Not Knowing what is on the other side.
Would the tea be raspberry flavour perchance? How about some chai or hot chocolate now winter is on its way :D
I have all kinds of tea, including raspberry mixes and chai, and even hot chocolate. You can have whatever you’d like, hot or cold. :D
You’re actually the person I’ve talked to the most via email. Especially when I worked at TAW, but even since then, you still take the cake. :)
I love the Fluent Self; Havi is awesome and amazing and brain-opening, and I love sharing it with others.
And lastly, most importantly: harticle? A hart-particle! Mm, tasty.