I read something today – a brilliant post from Shanna – that catalyzed a realization in my convoluted little brain.

Go read her post first. I’ll wait. No, seriously, it’s not that long. Done? Okay.

Near the beginning of April, I wrote something in my private journal about instinctively positioning myself as Other in any given group or demographic, especially regarding gender and sexual orientation. It was strongly-worded, so I hesitated to post it on the blog. (Like I often do, I worried that someone will call me out for having no right to speak about such things.)

After reading Shanna’s post, I realized why I do this. It’s not to rebel, or be special or different, or to provoke others, or to get attention. It’s to bring balance, inasmuch as one person in a sea of others can. I try to bring under-represented or entirely lacking qualities to a given group by embodying them myself. These are characteristics I already have, not ones I’m adopting for the moment; I’m just bringing a different facet of my nature to the fore. I place myself in the minority constantly so that the majority doesn’t forget that minorities exist– not only exist, but can bring value to a group situation.

In that light, in recognizing balance, I want to share what I wrote weeks ago, despite still being nervous about it.

Disclaimer: When I mention male/female/masculine/feminine in the following, I’m referring to current stereotypes, not trying to make a blanket statement about all men or women ever. I hate stereotypes, but in order to break ‘em, I have to acknowledge their place in our society’s shared reality.

I am Other. More feminine than a man, more masculine than a woman, gayer than a heterosexual but still not homosexual, neither binary-gendered nor transgendered. And I like being this way.

I bring the qualities of a man into a venue that is feminine. I’m the guy at the table talking just as deeply and rawly about emotions and vulnerability and inequality. I want to let women know that they aren’t the only ones who feel it, who can share it, who want to change it. They aren’t the only ones fighting.

I bring the qualities of a woman into a venue that is masculine. I am the chick that rides her own motorcycle. I am the only woman in a martial arts dojo or a drumming group. I want to fuck up the expectation that women are weak or lesser or objectifiable.

I bring the qualities of genderfunk into the binary of boy-or-girl. I want to remind the cisgendered folks that it’s not all X and Y simplicity.

I bring the qualities of being gay in a venue that is heterosexual. I am visibly not-straight, laughing and free and no less a person for who I love. I want to make sure that GLBTQ is not forgotten or trivialized or dismissed. And it goes deeper and finer: I am the bisexual among the homosexuals, the pansexual among the bisexuals.

I represent the minority within the majority to bring balance, not to stand out. By just being me, not by trying to be what I’m not.